Dear Mr. Rahimi

Item: Iran’s vice president, Mohammad-Reza Rahimi, took the occasion of an International Day Against Drug Abuse and Illicit Trafficking conference in Tehran to tell the assembled that the Talmud and “Zionists” dedicated to it are responsible for the spread of illegal drugs around the world.

Dear Mr. Rahimi,

Oh, great, esteemed vice president of the beneficent, revolutionary Islamic Republic of Iran, you have exposed us mightily! Revealed us mercilessly! Nailed us good! The raven-eyed maidens of the Hereafter are singing your praises—may you merit to meet them soon!

How did you manage to uncover our plots and machinations? We have tried so very hard to hide our true intentions, to cloak our nefarious plans with a smokescreen of good deeds, religious devotion, and charity. Somehow, though, in your astuteness, you have ferreted out the truth, that our “objective is the destruction of the world” and that “the spread of narcotics in the world emanates from the teachings of the Talmud.”

As it states clearly in Baba Maiseh 1b: “Any Jew who causes a non-Jew to become addicted to an illegal substance is praiseworthy! Adds Rabbi Narish, ‘he can deduct the expenses from his federal income tax.’ Say the Rabbis: Invest not in nursing homes but in rehab centers, so that thou may prosper.”

While our people in Mexico and Afghanistan have been busy harvesting coca and poppies, you, esteemed vice president, in your enlightenment and sobriety, have personally shunned all narcotics (though perhaps not psychedelic medicines); and the great Islamic Republic of Iran fights tirelessly against our efforts to addle the minds of the masses with our Jewish chemicals, kiddush clubs, and cholent.

Not only did your words sting but your logic was unassailable. You showed that we members of the terrible tribe are behind all the global pill pushing; you even issued a challenge: “The Islamic Republic of Iran will pay for anybody who can research and find one single Zionist who is an addict. They do not exist.”

“This,” you announced triumphantly, “is the proof of their involvement in the drugs trade.”

Oh, we are defeated and shamed! Nefarious publications like Ami Magazine,and gatherings of ill-doers at dastardly Agudah conventions have tried to fabricate the existence of “substance abuse” in the Jewish community. But you bravely declare them liars! (How, by the way, does one apply for the research grant?)

And you revealed further how we “spread destruction not only by drugs, but also by [attacking] cultures.” Yes, our attacks led to the crumbling of ancient Greece and Rome. Or, at least, our spreading of despicable “ideas” like monotheism and “ideals” like peace.

What is more, as Your Incoherency knows well, we were behind the French. Russian, and American Revolutions, both World Wars, the Thirty Years’ War, the Peloponnesian War, the Sino-Chinese War (we’re masters of disguise) and the War on Poverty. Our sins speak for themselves.

In your infinite mercy, you refrained from reprising all the other evils great Iranian leaders have uncovered and have publicized about us: our scientists’ creation of swine flu, the “Harry Potter” series, the stealthy insinuation of the word “Zion” into the London Olympic logo, and our involvement in the Norway massacre. For that we humbly thank you.

What you may not know, and I may as well tell you, since there’s no hiding from your perspicacity, is that, while we have agents in many places (including your office, you might take note), the hub of our activities is a place that even our American lackeys concede in terror is rapidly Judaizing; it is called “Brooklyn.” And our chosen (get it? little joke there) route for exporting crime, mayhem, revolution, and cultural upheaval is a river crossing known as the Brooklyn Bridge.

Whoever controls it in effect controls the Jews and hence (since we do) the world. And so, in penance for all our Zionist sins of the past, I would like to humbly offer to sell that structure to you (wholesale, of course). Just let me know if you are interested and I will forward the number of a bank account into which you can wire the funds.


A Middle-Aged Guy of Zion (though aspiring to Elderhood)


The above essay may be reproduced or republished, with the above copyright appended.

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